If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
