I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
