I hate all girls vehemently.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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