I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
