On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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