I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
