No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my shit smells like andre
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
