life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
