I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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