Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
