did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
