Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
