Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
