my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
