I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
