well I can't set my house on fire every night
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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