Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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