Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
