Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
