Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
