Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's like iHOP with fire
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
