We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
