Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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