Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
honey bunches of taint.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
