one two three fourrrrnication!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize