She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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