if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize