god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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