Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
