If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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