I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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