Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
id be glad to
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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