you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
