Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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