Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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