my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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