i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
