Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
