Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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