I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
