Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
