trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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