There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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