im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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