that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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