A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
