New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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