Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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