Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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