I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
