So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize