I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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