Banned from zoo.
Again?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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