I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
