The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm always down for nudity.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize