It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
