Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize