I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The air taste purple.
Randomize
