can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
