This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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