You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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