so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
